Lately I have been living every second of my days with a sense of anticipation, of waiting. I blame autumn in New England - the ingrained excitement for the school year to start, for the leaves to turn, for the air to be chilly and to wear sweaters and jeans and make chili in the crockpot.
I also blame myself because I often crave change and find myself looking for it around every corner. The worst of it is when I try to bring about change and I am left waiting to see if my efforts have paid off. Will I be able to lift more weight? Will I be able to run faster? Will my twists be deeper? Will I be thinner? Will I be more successful?
Will my life be more satisfying?
Yup, thats the ultimate one. We provoke change to make our lives more satisfying. And that is not a bad thing. The problem arises when we are so busy waiting for our lives to change that we cannot focus on having a satisfying life now, with no change.
I spent some time looking through Yoga Journal online to help me learn to be satisfied with my life now and to stop looking to the future for fulfillment...when I realized that of course I know how to achieve that. I have to find satisfaction with where I am now and not where I will be...the same as I am constantly preaching. But it is oh so hard to practice what you preach.
I have decided that I need to embrace this waiting. I need to accept that the waiting is my now and instead of looking forward, enjoy the feelings of uncertainty and the process of change. I ask that you all bear with me...this is not an easy task.